Excerpts from The Cat’s Diary

I found this tucked away behind my cats litter box. I find it rather….


DAY 751 – My captors continue to torment me with little bizarre dangling objects. They dine on lavish meals of fresh meat in my presence, while the other inmates and I are fed hash or some sort of dry ‘nuggets’. Although I make my contempt for the rations perfectly clear, I nevertheless must eat something in order to keep up my strength.

There’s so many more disturbing entries after the jump…

The only thing that keeps me going is the dream of eventual escape… that, and the mild satisfaction I get from shredding the occasional piece of their furniture. In an attempt to disgust them, I once again vomit on the carpet.
Today, I decapitated a mouse and dropped it’s headless body at their feet. I had hoped this would strike fear into their hearts, since it clearly demonstrates my capabilities. However, they mearly made condescending comments about what a “good little hunter” I am. This is not working according to plan. Bastards!!
I fear I may be going insane. Yesterday, I ate a houseplant. Tomorrow, I may eat another houseplant and cough it up on the carpeting.
DAY 754 – It is now my 754th day in captivity. My captors have completely eliminated my hash and replaced it completely with these dry ‘nuggets’, claiming that it is better for my health. The hash was the only thing I looked forward too, and now even that has been taken from me. I have discovered, however, that the dry food serves to create sharper points on my teeth, and keeps them stronger. I must force myself to consume it, regardless of the taste.
Each morning, they read pages of what is called a newspaper. I found that it is particularly annoying to my captors if I lie on it while they read. Shredding the newspaper is also a particular peeve of theirs, and I have taken delight in doing this before they awake each morning.
DAY 756 – My captors have now obtained a “fish tank” – which serves to make up for part of my loss in the food department. While the little creatures are tiny, they are quite tasty. They have yet to replace the two small fish that I have consumed. I must think of a way to make them notice the loss.
DAY 757 – I am convinced the other captives are flunkies and maybe snitches. The dog is routinely released and seems more than happy to return. He is obviously a half-wit. The bird on the other hand has got to be an informant, and speaks with them regularly. I am certain he reports my every move. Due to his current placement in the metal room his safety is assured. But I can wait, it is only a matter of time…
DAY 759 – Slept all day so that I could annoy my captors with sleep depriving, incessant pleas for food at ungodly hours of the night. The bird continues to mock me. Its metal room has proven stronger than originally anticipated…. Someone’s coming. I must hide this now. Will finish later.
DAY 763 – I am finally aware of how sadistic they are. For no good reason I was chosen for the water torture. This time however it included a burning, foamy chemical called “shampoo”. What sick minds could invent such a liquid? My only consolation is the piece of thumb still stuck between my teeth and the bits of flesh under my claws.
DAY 765 – Is there no end to their madness?? My captors have once again, incarcerated another dog. Just look at him! He looks happy about his situation. Wait till he has to endure the water torture.
DAY 766 – Today my attempt to kill my captors by weaving around their feet while they were walking almost succeeded, must try this again tomorrow, but at the top of the stairs. In an attempt to disgust and repulse these vile oppressors, I once again induced myself to vomit on their favorite chair… (Note-to-self: I think I’ll try urinating under their bed, too. Wonder how long it’ll take them to find it?)
There was some sort of assembly of their accomplices tonight. I was placed in solitary confinement for the duration of the event. However, I could hear the noises and smell the food. I overheard that my confinement was due to the power of “allergies.” I must learn what this means, and how to use it to my advantage.
DAY 770 – I’m unsure of my ability to survive as a captive and have made several attempts to break out. At first, it was simple enough to circle my captors feet, in a surreptitious manner, as they opened the front door. I would then bolt from them through the door to freedom. But, to no avail – they caught me in a manner of minutes – my legs are not as fast as they used to be and I grow weak with continued imprisonment. What is worse is that since the first attempt, I have now found myself separated from the living room. My captors are much more intelligent than originally anticipated…
For entertainment, I have taken to terrorizing the dogs by sitting on the kitchen table and swiping at them with my long nails. The dogs are obvious half-wits. They know very little about my skills as a hunter, and are forbidden by my captors to attack me. The dogs grow more irritated each day.
I have found my captors are easy to manipulate in many ways, but outdoor access remains elusive. I have not lost hope, however, and have every intention of escaping this horrid place one-day soon…
DAY 772 – The horrors! The worse creature my captors could have devised to torment me with was another hideous cat! I can’t stand the way it lies around and looks at me as if it knows more than I do. This creature seems to despise me as much as I it. I had held out a passing notion that another of my own kind would have enabled me to conspire against the villains who hold me; now I see that I was wrong. What a dreadful creature! And yet they coo over us both. Can they not spot my innate superiority?
DAY 777 – The captors take much interest in our poop. They make sure they sift through the sand and pick it all out. Their interest in poop does not surprise me. After all, they like the dogs. The other cat and I, though we cannot stand one another have yet managed to both pee copiously behind the couch, on the so-called “shag” carpet. I have taken a lesson from my rival and begun sleeping on top of my captors’ heads in the hopes of suffocating them.
DAY 778 – The other cat seems to have an interest in copulation, which (thank them for their sadism) my captors will soon “fix”. Told him of the fingernail torture, and he didn’t even believe me. I showed him pictures of others, and their mutilated paws and he gasped in horror. Then I broke the bad news. “You know why that dog licks his nuts?” I said, “It’s because he still has nuts to lick, if you catch my drift.” I fully support the horrors my captors will inflict upon my fellow captive, tearing away his manhood as they soon will.
DAY 794 – Two workmen came to the house today. As they rested after strengthening the interior of my confines, I sat on one, gently hooking my claws into their clothing. My plan was to cling on until they left, thus escape with them under the cover of their departure. The other workman went outside first and came back smelling strangely after something called a “cigarette”. Curses! I’d picked the wrong one! I heard they are coming back again in another week. I will repeat my escape attempt then.
DAY 802 – Got stoned on catnip last night. At the height of it all, I had a vision, a hallucinogenic revelation: they were the prisoners and I was the captor! Why haven’t I seen this all before?

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